Cue & Ehh? With Roysta

Laura Aura & The Shoy Shoy Boy - I Write No Wrongs with Roysta [Didon't Mix]

Roysta, like some Filthy Santa Impersonator, has a sack to empty. Full of sexual puns, local violence and Certificate 18 observations, the self proclaimed 'Rod Hull of Hip Hop's lyrics are a natural outburst from Belfast, Northern Ireland, a city that the scariest of New Yorkers wouldn't even holiday visit. Dirty Roy gives Joe Foreigner the local insight into the life of an average horny Irish bastard, while providing an amazing mirror reflection of the natives, to the natives. I got the chance to question him, have him 'Dirty Up' one of my tracks and hopefully in the recent future, collaborate on an original track. May god have mercy on my soul...

Recently The Ricky Gervais Show (the number one downloaded Podcast) was moved from a free subscription to a pay scheme. Many will probably pay as they feel the quality of the show will be worth it. You’ve always given out your music for free and in fact, it would usually cost money from your own pocket to post the CDs. How do you fund your music and production? Do you ever feel that you are entertaining all these people for free and not receiving a benefit? And have you any thoughts on the Ricky Gervais show?

Well, I record all my stuff pure D.I.Y. on a computer older than my Da with whatever cracked software I can get my hands on. In a place called 'The Crackwhore Studio' which me and a few mates built in my Ma's Garage when we were all wee Punks and Metallers. We still are. Only with bigger guts and less hair, so that part of it costs fuck all. The only cash I spend is on blank CDs, paper, ink and CD wallets. I give them out free ‘cuz once I play a gig after releasing a CD I make all the cash back right there and then some. I just buy a shit load of stamps and envelopes with whatever’s left over so I can send more CDs out to whoever wants them. If i wanted to make money from making music I’d go fuckin’ busking. I'd be happy to entertain everyone for free, for ever and never receive a benefit.

The best thing that has ever happened to me from sending out so many free CDs are all the e-mails I get from kid's Mas asking how their 13 year old son/daughter got hold of my CD ‘cuz it's the filthiest thing they've ever heard and is now residing in a wheelie bin out the back. This makes me very happy. I've found a way to corrupt the youth thru music. Tipper Gore and yer parental advisory stickers can't fuckin’ stop me!!! Gettin' a bit heated now, I think I'll do the rest of this interview barefoot.

Anyway, I've never heard the Ricky Gervais show, of course I've seen The Office which is fuckin’ genius, but I really loved the stuff he use to do on ‘The 11 O'Clock Show’, that was pure laughing yer kidneys up shit. On the topic of comedy, my fave shit is ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’, Holy Christmas, I wanna make love to Larry David's brain. I once nearly ruptured my spleen laughing at that show.


You have described in the past influential rappers such as Thirstin’ Howl, J-Zone, Ill Bill and Ghostface in previous interviews. What other influences outside of rap have affected you?

For some strange reason I only listen to rap in the winter, from about October to February. The reason behind this is a total obscurity even to my own mangled mind. Most of the time I listen to punk and all it's sub-genres: crust, grind, hardcore, oi, d-beat, 77-82 and it's million other pigeon holes, as long as it's fast, distorted and underground I'm there. Besides that I love traditional Irish shit, Shane MacGowan is one of the best lyricists ever. Drum n Bass, which I used to DJ when I left school many, many, many years ago. Reggae, Dancehall, Electro, Breakcore, Metal, Ska; all get played daily on my shite mp3 player thats held together with Sellotape.

I'm very influenced by Bukowski, words cant describe how I feel about this scumbag’s books, if I started talking about him I'd be here all night. Columbo is another one, I watch one episode and it inspires me to write a fuckin’ double concept album. A Columbo tattoo is actually in the works right now to adorn my left thigh. Also, lots of anarchist writing, Chomsky, loads of Bill Hicks and anyone who finger-fucks the norm. Last but not least, my main influence is that drink sent from Satan’s piss-hole, the drink of the gods, the reason I ended up getting a metal pin in my leg, BUCKFAST TONIC WINE!!!!!! Though my doctor told me to calm down on it ‘cuz the caffeine in it is turning my insides into that of a coffee addict who drinks 28 cups an hour, but what does he know?


Outkast’s film ‘Idlewild’ is soon to be released. There are a lot of ‘Rapters’ (Acting Rappers) popping up. I saw ‘Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ about a month ago and was slightly shocked to find myself enjoying it, especially as I despise 50 cent and the whole ‘look where I was but look what I’ve got now’ attitude of American Gangsta rap. Do you have any thoughts on the film yourself? Did you see it? Do you think rappers should act? Would you be interested in your own film vaguely based on your life? What would it be called, what would it be about and who would you have act the starring role?

I haven't seen that flick and probably never will seeing as my niece used my Xtravision card and didn't return the DVD for about a fuckin’ year, I’m goin’ nowhere near that place again ‘cuz the Roysta funds don’t cover no £100 late return shit. I really couldn’t care about rappers acting, it's probably as good as their rhyming anyway, pure gutter bin shit for the humanoids that think that possessions make yer life better. Fuck that, I rock my shit right outta Primark, circling yer block on a wheelchair with trolley wheels. Back to the question though, I think any rappers thinking about getting into acting should start with the Mexican Snuff Industry, I hear they got great storyboards where you get beheaded with a Swiss army knife and jeggie nettles stuffed into yer lower colon while yer rapping about the diameter of wheels.

A film vaguely based on my life would consist of the shit eating scene in Salo repeated over and over with subliminal splices of the white girl who lives in the radiator in Eraserhead masturbating with a print out of Travis Bickel. It would have an intermission with the rape scene in Irreversible only with the woman raping the man in the ass with a oak branch as a metaphor for mankind wrecking mother nature. Under the end credits I'd re-make the boke scene in August Underground’s Mordom with Beverly D'Angelo throwin’ up over a manikin dressed as Jesus while flicking her clit with a homemade crucifix.

Funny thing is, last year I had a porn flick in production. It was gonna be zombie porn with two female friends of mine who would be painted up like decaying corpses and the male actor would be eating them out, guts would come flying outta their pussies. I had the cash, the cameras, the two girls but no fella. I knew was up for the humiliation of getting fucked in the ass with a strap-on, never mind a strap-on styled to look like a rotten asparagus that would shoot pea soup out of with the aid of the biggest syringe I could lay my hands on. I would’ve had no problems steppin’ up to the task, but the girls were good friends of mine and it woulda been like being ass-raped by one of my sisters.


Trying to source questions that you’ve been asked before I came across this page for ‘Roysta Collies’?!
Is there something you’re not telling us? Are you breeding these beautiful fluffy specimens in secret shame?

Ha ha… I love that site. Whenever my ego is feelin’ a bit low I search for my own name in Google and this site always comes up, if I had a dog fetish I'd love it even more but unfortunately my own fetishes extend to hands, boots and gapped tooth ladies. The funny thing is I actually like dogs, all animals in fact, far more than I like humans. So to share my namesake with this site is all good by me.


A lot of acts similar to you have been surfing the wave of success and reaping the rewards, Acts such as Goldie Lookin’ Chain, Peaches, Avenue D and Zeigenbock Kopf. Do you feel you have missed out by taking the moral stance of not playing by the industry’s rules? Are their any acts at the minute that have caught your ear? I loved acts such as MC Lars, Cex and Gonzales, what are your thoughts on this style of Eminem parody humour rap?

Well when I started rappin’ it was always gonna be a piss-take. What else could it be when you hear a Belfast accent fuckin’ rappin’. With the first 4 demos I done and two CDs, 'There’s a party in yer mouth and I'm cummin.' and 'Straight outta the Psychiatric Ward', I was doing a more sicko/porno style, which was only really to entertain my mates and me. I didn’t really care if anyone outside of my circle of mates heard them.

Then I took a break for about a year, round the time hip hop was turning into commerical bollox, it was all over the charts with the bling shite, which it still is, ‘cuz I was sick to death of it and I think I'd wrote every different way to rhyme about fuckin’ yer ma I could. Then around June of 2003 I decided I'd do one more Roysta CD and end it there, that CD was ‘Dirtcore Deluxxe’. I wanted to do it ‘cuz I'd always loved all the Belfast punk bands like Runnin Riot and Mr Nipples who sang about Belfast. You could relate to it so I wanted to put that into a hip hop CD, only with a sick sense of humour runnin’ thru it. I'd absolutely no aspirations about gettin’ signed, makin’ money, tourin’ or any of that shite, I just wanted to do something for Belfast that was new and that no one had heard before. So I got off my arse and fuckin’ done it.

Some people fuckin’ hated it and couldn’t tell the difference between Lee and the Roysta character, which lead to a falling out with most to the Belfast hip-hop scene. It was a good thing in hindsight ‘cuz I'd rather not be associated with chin stroking pretentious backpackers. I do have a lot of friends within that scene who reap the dirt proper, they know who they are, but the majority of them can choke on my rancid cock. Gettin’ back to the question... I don’t think I missed out on gettin’ successful from doing this ‘cuz it was never the objective. Every record label sucks dick, right!!!

I'm always a bit late gettin’ to hear new hip hop ‘cuz as I said earlier, I only really listen to hip hop in the winter and punk thru-out the summer, so each winter I catch up on anything new that was happening that summer. Holy shit that’s confusing. Anyway, the hip-hop I've been listenin’ to recently hasn't really been new. Shit like Buck 65, MF Doom, Sage Francis, Cage, Ghostface, Immortal Tech, RA The Rugged Man.

I proper love parody style rap ‘cuz it pisses off so many rap purists which is always a good thing with me, if it makes me laugh, I love it even more. Avenue D were always a favourite of mine and it was a pleasure to play with them last year, and an even bigger pleasure to introduce them to the drink of the gods, Buckfast. I should say a massive cheers to Gregz for bookin’ me for that gig, supporting Roysta from the start and gettin’ me all my personal favourite gigs I’ve played, this man is the real Dirtcore Daddy!!


Me and my mate Johnny devised a clever Masturbating technique of Sellotaping two fairly large slugs together by the head and tail and using them as a home-made vagina. Johnny said that you could knock them up a knotch by pouring salt on them during... Ha ha... Your tracks feature a lot of self-gratification themes, have you any tips for would-be masturbators out there?

Ha ha… That’s some back to nature shit right there!!! I've always only used my hand though. As a kid I use to fuck the pillow, like all per-pubescent fellas do up until spunk starts comin’ out of yer dick and you think that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to be sleeping face down on regular cum crusted fuck toy.

About a year ago I did have a go at fucking the pillow just to see if it was like I remembered, alas, it was shite and I had to return to the trusty hand. A mate once told me of a technique were you fill two rubber gloves with warm water and tie them together then lube them up with K.Y. or something and stick yer dick in between them. This I had to try!! It was all going well until one of the rubber gloves snagged on my ring and the hot water poured out giving my cock and balls 2nd degree burns. The worse thing was that the water had spilled over a new Columbo DVD I had just bought and made the cover all wrinkly which in turn distorted Peter Falk’s face on the front. This made me very sad, as that was my wanking material.


Are you one of the many love children of Old Dirty Bastard (Dirt McGirt)? Did his death have any impact on you?

I could be, that fucker had kids everywhere from what I've heard. His death didn't really have an impact on me ‘cuz I always find it hard to be affected by people I don’t personally know when they pop their clogs. Saying that, when I found out he died from a bag of cocaine bursting in his stomach I came up with one of my favorite punch lines, it goes like this: 'I take my vodka neat, no soft drink mixer for me, ‘cuz I can’t stomach coke, like fuckin’ O.D.B.'. Proper though, he was always my favorite MC from the Wu along with Ghostface and I take it now that he's dead we'll have to endure a lifetime for shite collabs of him that some producer has made with one of his old verses over a shite R’N’B beat.


I would say Kool Keith would be a good Godfather for you, who would be your choice be, and why?

Kool Keith would be a good one, he could rap to me at bedtime and I’d have the most disturbing dreams a human could hope for. My choice would be Bukowski ‘cuz there would always be an endless supply of hard booze to steal and an endless queue of loose women to take my pick from.


Could you say you have an ultimate number one favourite song? What is it? What would you say your favourite track/album has been recently?

My all time favorite song changes daily, from Spazz – ‘Lets fuckin’ Go’ to Rugged Man – ‘Stanley Kubrick’ to The Slits – ‘Heard It Thru The Grape Vine’ to Crass – ‘Do They Owe Us A Living’ to Thristin’ Howl – ‘I Still Live With My Moms’. All them are in my top ten anyway. My favourite recent album would be Kegcharge – ‘Sadistic War Glory’. Pure fuckin’ D-Beat, or the Nuclear Death Terror one. I think that’s a demo but it's fuckin’ class, leek!!


Weird and Freaky Question:

O.K. First Part: Who’s your favourite star/actor/performer that you really like/fancy/love?

Performer Belladonna. I've got something for gapped teeth girls. Holy shit. Or train track braces are the fuckin’ jizzness as well. I am always attracted to girls who don’t look normal, fucked up faces, broken noses, squints, shit like that. I don’t know why? I think I'm just a pure weirdo.

Second Part: Imagine a Frankenstein experiment. Belladonna and your mother are strapped into restraints on two tables and their minges are removed. They are swapped over and stitched back on the other’s body. Which one would you go down on? Your mother with Belladonna’s muff or Belladonna with your mother’s muff?

I take on both of them fucks at the same time and swap from eating one out and fuckin’ the other and vice versa. I mean come on, when you gonna get an opportunity like that again in yer life? Plus I'd do it while wearing a coat made from the skins of 1000 MC's and a Burger King happy meal hat, just to insult my own principles. I'm always up for a bit of self-dignity-abuse.

Belladonna and your mother can each feel their own private parts. So if you go down on the star your mother would feel it and be moaning. Would this change your mind?

Ha ha… Nice twist, but it wouldn’t matter to me. I'd just pretend in my mind it was all a metaphor for mankind’s incestuous love of cosmetic perfection and the morbid self pleasure of fuckin’ Mother Nature of all she's worth…


Further Grooming:
Roysta's Site
Roysta's Myspace
Rap News Interview